Under the Surface

There is a way that we know things "under the surface." Some people call it intuition. Or following your gut. Or instinct. I contend that this is a very real and extremely useful way of knowing. I like to call it "being honest with yourself." There are times I have failed to be honest with myself in relationships. If I had listened to messages under the surface I would have known that certain things would not work out. On the flip side, how many times have I ignored positive messages and missed out on amazing opportunities?

So how exactly does one tap into this way of knowing? I think a lot of it is about paying attention to feelings, something that men are not often encouraged to do. It is a skill we have to work hard at. Everyone feels, though. It is just a matter of noticing it, naming it, and giving voice to it.

Example:
About a year and a half ago, I was walking on Massachusetts Avenue in Boston and passed a (seemingly homeless) man. He was lying on the ground, backpack still on his back, and a couple people were standing around him. I do not know what happened, but it appeared the man had collapsed. I looked up and saw an ambulance approaching. The situation appeared to be under control, but I found myself compelled to stop and check. I fought the urge, however, and just kept walking. I was in a hurry. Had to get to class. It wasn't my business. What help could I offer anyway? It took all of thirty seconds for me to forget the whole experience. I went about my business as usual.

It wasn't until that night as I lay in bed that this melancholy enveloped me. The image of the fallen man came back and I felt terrible for behaving so apathetically towards him. It was too late to change my response to the situation, but the events and my actions rippled through my consciousness like a stone dropped in a pond. I brought the scenario to a mentor of mine, a psychology professor. His stance is that these kinds of situations are little mini "wake-up calls." We find ourselves in a nonordinary situation and momentarily "wake up" from our ordinary way of walking around in the world. Often, we return to our routines with little thought or consideration. But every now and then, we experience the ripple effect, these lingering waves of feeling which call us to make meaning of them.

"So what is the meaning?" I asked
"You get to decide."
"I guess I just don't know what to make of it."

After some thought, he offered a potential explanation that perhaps the lesson to take away from the experience is simply that I care, that people matter to me, and that I can be moved by other people's plights.

Up until this point, I had walked around in the world feeling disconnected, isolated, and a little bit cold. Unsympathetic. I let other people mirror that reality for me. A part of me, however, knew that I am really a compassionate person who cares deeply about the wellbeing of others. You might say that this reality lay under the surface. My experience with the homeless man on the street was an opportunity for this under-the-surface knowing to show up.

I encourage you to pay attention to the way feelings show up in your life. Listen to these feeling states and try to discern the meaning of them. It doesn't have to be some profound revelation. As someone much wiser than I once said, "Sometimes just the fact 'that you care' is big medicine."